on truly learning presence in the age of a global pandemic

Hi my loves,

These are interesting times.

I wanted to write an honest blog post about my thoughts about everything that’s going on because writing is the way I process so this is as much for me to figure out and spill over as it may be for you who are reading these words and perhaps helps you feel a little less alone.

We are going through a global and collective shift.

Most of us have never experienced anything like this in our lifetimes.

It’s an odd thing to have everything suddenly change overnight (or at least it feels like it was overnight) and to have everyone in the world experiencing some form of this shared situation.

How lucky we are that the internet and social media exists! It’s like we’re truly not alone even when we are alone.

and yet… our “busy” and “hustle” mentality lives on.

Take this wake up call to pause? not to our capitalist driven society…

Everyone is showing up online, sharing, teaching, giving, serving. In the past day, I’ve seen facebook groups for people to connect and share online lessons, courses to study, instagram lives to catch, performances to watch, art to consume, information to consume, news to consume, services and skills to acquire. I’ve been seeing the message, use this time to your advantage! Use this time for the things you don’t have time for! Use this time!!!

Coaches and entrepreneurs are seeing it as an opportunity to sell their online services even more. Everyone I see is offering or selling something. And perhaps this is the way the new world looks. Everyone has a service and shares it. Maybe this is what the new economy looks like. Maybe this is the time to step up, to lead, to share our gifts, and maybe this is the way in which we all come together and support one another.

Right now, I’m honestly feeling overwhelmed. It’s a lot of information all at once.

I’m getting used to working from home, dealing with questions, chaos, panic, and confusion from everyone at work.

I’m feeling grateful to still be employed and have the capability of working from home – something I’ve wanted and dreamed of for years!

I feel worried about my family and everyone else who lost their jobs overnight.

I feel this push and pull between just turning off my phone and hiding from the rest of the world, taking this time to TRULY pause and draw inward, and also a push that the time to take action on my online business is NOW. The time to build community and connection online is NOW. People are seeking refuge and solace and digital is all we got. In a world where we can no longer gather in real life, online connection is all we have.

As most of you know, I’ve been building my online business for the last year. I’ve always wanted freedom, creativity, and a place to share my passions, serving others so that they can awaken all of this for themselves. So I ask myself, is the time to take advantage of all this now? If I step away from the digital space to truly take this pause, will I have missed my chance? Am I being called to step up and share my gifts? Is this what this has all been leading up to? Or does nothing really matter anymore? What truly matters?

I feel a mixed sense of pressure and relief.

I’ve been seeing memes float around about how Shakespeare wrote most of his great plays during the plague or how Isaac Newton discovered gravity during a quarantine and I feel a load of pressure – what will I create during this time? I feel pressure to use this time to my advantage and create something!

Again, coming from the “need to be productive, hustler mentality”.

We are conditioned to think we need to capitalize on everything. We are conditioned to take “advantage of every opportunity”.

I feel a sense of relief as well – I don’t have to do anything anymore? I don’t have to “work towards” my goals if I don’t want to? Am I allowed to take this time to rest and be held?

And again, the thought comes “but what if I’m missing out? What if I’m left behind and forgotten if I don’t share and create in some way?? What if I’m just hiding my gifts from fear instead of using them for good?”

I think this right here is the beauty of this scary and unknown time. These questions and back and forths and pushes and pulls and chaos and confusion.

This is what is finally forcing us to break out of our conditioned patterns and listen for the truth.

There is nowhere to be. There is nothing to do. How much can we actually pause? How much can we actually surrender to each given moment and stop creating stories and fear and stress and anxiety about the unknown?

None of us have any idea what will happen. We, in fact, do not control our reality.

All we have is this moment. This moment is the only thing guaranteed.

How much can we simply enjoy this moment?

I’m trying to take this lesson and truly put it in action, letting go of all my should’s.

(even the ones that tell me I need to create and I need to serve and I need to share)

Sharing only when I feel inspired to share. Serving only if I feel inspired to serve. Getting quiet and listening when I feel the noise is too much.

Perhaps, if we weren’t afraid of being so alone, we would spend this time to get to know ourselves. We would turn off all the noise. We would get truly quiet. We would realize, that everything we need is within. Just maybe, we would perhaps wake up to our own magic. We would stop looking outside ourselves. We would stop taking the advice and inspiration and information from everyone else online or in real life.

We would know that everything we need, we already have. Because everything we need is happening in this moment.

I don’t have any answers except the ones inside. I, like all of you, have no idea what will happen.

All I know is that I will fight against my need to know the unknown, to produce something of value, to equate my worth with how much I’m “living up” to my potential, to feel like I’m missing out if I’m not consuming all the valuable information and content that people are sharing.

I will try to listen to each moment. To give myself what I need in each moment. To take this time to truly be present. Even in isolation. Even when faced with nothing but my own mind.

I love you all. Be well. Take care of yourselves. You are here now.




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