a list – thoughts & feels

1. i bought a ticket to California while she’s on fire because I do what my mom tells me to.
2. why am i going into the flames? is it because I can then say I was reborn? what does that mean?
3. i can’t wait to wear my t-shirt with mushrooms on it and oranges that look like the phases of the moon
4. the beach in rhode island was much colder than the beach in new jersey. the water was freezing, but after you get in you get used to it. i guess you can get used to anything if you dive in head first and make it through the uncomfortable parts.
5. we bought a boogie board that was for kids under 100 pounds and after surfing my first wave it cracked. it still works. we got it at walmart for 12.97 and it has dolphins wearing sunglasses on it. i really like it.
6. sometimes we want to write full, connected stories and sometimes we just want to write down tidbits of facts.
7. we went paddle boarding while it was raining. it reminded me of surfing and how I wish I could get back into it. to balance your body on a board and feel the rhythms of the ocean beneath you. to feel balanced and fluid with whatever energy she throws your way. to feel grounded and solid, trusting and playing with the distribution of weight. 
8. paddle boarding hurt the soles of my feet and my shoulders. it was hard work and i wish i could have gone leisurely but i was trying to catch up with you. 
9. my favorite moments was waking up at 6 am to catch the sunrise, feeling into what my soul was saying, processing, dreaming, talking out loud. inspiration drawn from the sand crevices and the crabs that bury themselves and the seagulls that sit on the freshly pruned sand and how they don’t fight over food because the shore brings them an abundance of it. moon jellies and little crabs. unlike the hungry birds in the north, attacking the humans with their sandwiches and chips, hovering above to make their attack. or when a sandwich is thrown at them how they squawk and gather like vultures, a feeding frenzy. these birds must be really hungry. their neighbors in the south got luckier with warmer, more abundant waters. 
10. we were walking along miles and miles of shore and didn’t know what to talk about so then we started arguing about political differences. is this the secret and spice to life? do you have to agree to disagree just so you have something to talk about? what’s it like to not disagree with your partner?
11. reading really good books makes my thoughts turn into the thoughts of a writer. shout out to stephanie danler.
12. douglass fudge is way better than fudge kitchen. who knew? its not like we ever even actually bought the fudge. we just ate it because they gave out free samples and we liked to watch in the window how they made it. i don’t think we ever actually bought it.
13. i knew i wanted to buy a sweatshirt. most sweatshirts were around $30. except in the small boutique store the kind you see in coastal towns like these and the same sweatshirts were being sold for $60. who spends $60 on a sweatshirt? i found an XXL one for $22 and i’ve never been happier to wear a sweatshirt that fits like a dress. i wore it to the rooftop bar yesterday wearing nothing but the sweatshirt and my bathing suit on underneath and i never felt more comfortable. my mom said how we always wanted sweatshirts from the beach but we couldn’t afford them. even if the sweatshirts are only $30, to buy that for 10 people would be $300! so we never got them. but now that i’m 25 years old. i bought 1 for myself. and my sister bought one for herself and one for her kid. maybe its better to have less kids…what’s better? more stuff? or more siblings? what’s the trade off? thats why we never did things like fly on a plane or go to the movies or go out to eat. things i do now without blinking an eye – booking a trip to california for next weekend and going out to eat for almost every meal. with 8 kids, you just don’t do those things. you don’t own a tv and you fill the house with bookshelves and toys and you cook every single meal. or at least that’s how we did it.
14. my grandmother told me that my mom would take us out to the beach even when it was raining and we would sit there on the sand without towels or umbrellas and lay directly on the sand getting sand all in our hair, making it clump like dreadlocks. she said she couldn’t imagine doing that – my grandmother who would get her hair professionally done once every couple weeks and couldn’t even get it wet and would wear plastic caps in the shower and always brought a chair and an umbrella to sit in the shore. no wonder i don’t require things like towels. but what else was my mom to do when we got one week at eh beach per year. if it was raining, we would still be out there.
15. playa bowls and the bowls with names like electric mermaid and mermaid fuel. heaven.
16. how everything looked smaller and closer together. did stone harbor shrink or did we just grow bigger? we grew bigger is the answer. but isn’t it funny how when you’re little you don’t realize how everything is not as big and not as far away? what else looks too small or too big or too close or too far away?
17. my sister asked me to call the dolphins and suddenly i didn’t believe in my ability to anymore. did it really work? i used to believe wholeheartedly that they would come if i called. have i become too old and jaded for things like that? have my adult sensibilities lost my wonder and sense for magic and trust and believing? 
18. the way the waves tumble you, over and over. and how salty the ocean is. it tasted like salted cucumbers. like the ones you cut in half and then shiver them together to get the salt on both sides.
19. at the beginning of the week i whispered to the land “teach me deeper truths” as if i was going to come to this great realization about myself, my past, my inner child. who i was then and who i am now. but then the week came and went and i didn’t feel anything significant happen. i only remembered small things like – wearing my clear hair tie in the waves and having a flash of recognition remembering something about wearing bracelets in the ocean. it felt so clear and foggy at the same time. i couldn’t put my finger on it so i asked my sister and she said we used to wear bracelets that we would swim with and yell “mermaid power” and pretend we were mermaids. the bracelet gave us a magic power. i couldn’t remember the way they looked but i remembered the way it felt. isn’t it funny how memory works that way?