quarantine musings – a rollercoaster (honestly)

i’ve been wanting to write, wanting to create, wanting to create something good and meaningful. i’ve been craving posting on instagram or the blog because sharing and connecting gives me purpose, but I’ve been blocked.

my friend and i were just on the phone and I said “i’m very much on the down part of the rollercoaster”.

this time period (you know the quarantine, pandemic one) is a rollercoaster.

sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down.

i’m writing this now after a revelation i had after searching and craving some poetic inspiration so i could write something good, something meaningful and failing and feeling generally lost and stuck, so i thought to myself  -what if i were just honest?

what if i gave myself permission to write from the place of lost, stuck, frustrated?

what if i tried to finally satisfy my itch by just showing up exactly as i am?

i keep feeling like i need to have something to say in order to post. or like my words have to be perfect or even that they have to make sense! everything i’ve been creating lately has felt like short, frustrated starts and stops. wantings. cravings. desires. distractions. wanting to fill the parts of me that feel really, really empty right now.

it’s a rollercoaster.

somedays i feel inspired and like there’s not enough time in the day to do all the things i want to do.

other days i feel bored, unmotivated, uninspired and can’t get myself to do any of the things i normally love doing. those days feel really long and wasted.

i feel generally unfocused. without direction. searching for meaning and purpose.

i seem to have misplaced it, frozen in time, in mid-march nyc, 2020.

i flit from one thing to the next, not being able to commit to one task at a time. it’s like multi-tasking in over drive. i can’t attend a work meeting without looking at my phone. i take a class on zoom and spend half of it researching plays i’ll never read. i can barely read a chapter of a new book before wanting to go on a walk and thinking maybe i should do that instead. my boyfriend and i want to watch a movie and spend an hour trying to find one, playing every single trailer until deciding to just watch great british baking show again. i start a yoga video and never finish it, pausing and leaving to either go check my email again or get something to eat or drink.

gone are things like social & peer pressure to keep you accountable.

i don’t have the watchful eye of my co-workers in meetings, where i would never pull out my phone to do something else.

i would never dream of walking out of a yoga class 20 min in. i would power through and finish strong.

but at home? when i’m on a linoleum floor covered in dog hair and muddy paw prints and my laptop is playing a yoga class on its cracked screen and i’m wearing the same clothes i’ve worn all week and i have a work call in 20 minutes and just what does it all matter anyway?

so i stop the class. i hit the space bar to “pause”, move my mouse to click the red x to exit out.

oh well, i tried. its time to move on to to search for the next dopamine hit.

i float through my days. feeling a general haze of boredom, wandering, searching, craving, wanting, distracting.

i haven’t felt “boredom” like this since I were a child!

i feel guilty because i’m aware of what a privilege boredom is. i feel it all. i worry and wonder and get stuck in my head a lot. i forget about my body and feel her growing. she’s uncomfortable and i think about what a privilege it is to worry about getting too fat in quarantine.

all i did was eat.

oh well, i tried.

all i know is that it is okay. it’s okay. it’s all okay and it’s not okay. it doesn’t mean anything and it means everything.

it goes up and it goes down.

sending so much love. xx

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